A Lie

Suggested listening:

Marriage by MoonMoon/문문의 노래 결혼

Triggers: emotionally dark, suicidal

A Lie (Updated:8/5/2020 Revised:5/12/2021)

With little desire to live, I walk aimlessly across the empty, sandy beach drawn towards the ocean. The sun sits just above the horizon and I stop where the waves kiss the shore allowing the cool water to gently roll over my bare feet and pull the sand out from around me. 

As the sun begins to melt from the sky, I turn to my left and walk on, ignoring the ocean’s pull. My thoughts drift away, leaving me hollow, a shell of nothingness, but I hear your voice in the sounds of the ocean. It reminds me that I am alone.

The thoughts trickle in as tears roll down my cheeks. Are you lonely too? I’ll pretend it is the mist from the sea wetting my face and leaving this taste of salt on my lips. I stop and turn back to the ocean.

The sun dips lower on the horizon and I notice the clouds as the sun sets the sky on fire. The flaming waves feel as though they will roll over me. I have no desire to walk on. I am overcome by my despair as my heart sinks in my chest and I find it hard to breathe. 

The day burns away into night and the ocean turns black in its darkness. The starless night leaves me disoriented. There is no up or down. I stare out wondering if my eyes are open or closed. Only the sound of the crashing waves reminds me that there is something out there. 

The sound soon drowns out the memories of life and pain in my head. Left alone in the darkness, I feel the water lap up against my ankles as the nothingness floods over me again, my sorrows holding my feet in place leaving me to wait for morning.

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A Lie (Original:2/13/2020)

Allow your mind to wander and follow me into "a lie" that paints anguish and depression across the canvas of your mind. But don't be misled, the emotions that you feel are not real, only a mirror of another's lost love.

I struggle to walk across the sand as the sun sets on the horizon. The waves lap up against my bare feet. The sun melts into the sky. 

I walk alone.

I could dream of meeting you again, but it would mean nothing now. I've heard your voice in the sounds of the ocean, and it makes me lonely.

I can taste the salt from the tears that wet my face. Are you lonely too? Will this pain in my chest disappear? Will I one day forget your name?

The sun sets lower casting its red light. The bottom of the clouds look like flaming waves that roll over me. The beach is empty as the day cools and the night comes. 

My heart sinks in my chest. The ocean turns black in its darkness. The starless night leaves me disoriented. There is no way to tell up from down. The sound of the waves soon drowns out the memories in my head. The silence fills me as a nothingness calls my name. 

I'd drink my sorrows if I could find a bottle. I'd wake tomorrow buried in the sand if I could let my thoughts die and be washed away. 

Come back to me and do not despair. Do not give in to the hollowness that now fills you. What I told you was a lie I made up within the confines of a song. I project the feelings of others, you see. I let the music lead to places unknown, even to me. If your loss drags you to the sea, into the pit of despair, know that your brain is holding you in a painting of emotions lost in a time that will someday be forgotten.